"I've ran away my whole life, but now my running has become a talent that no one can surpass me in.

I wake up this morning, get out of bed and open my door. To my left I see this gorgeous woman looking at me. She's really dressed up to go out for the day. I go over to her and kiss her hug her. She's smelling so good, looking so fly. I say to her, "Happy birthday mommy. The big 5-1." Mom and I started talking abit, she ciricled around for me so I can take a look at her. Doesn't even look no where close to being 51 at all I swear. She looks great for a person who has had three big boys ^_^;;.

She tells me she's going out for the day. Says she wants to see, "Big Mama's House 2." I didn't know they made a sequel to that Martin Lawerence movie. It should be really good. She said about three people call her this morning, she wanted to get out early but everybody caught her and all. Which was good. I didn't get mom anything for her birthday this year, I always get her something, but I really haven't had time to think about what she wanted.

Now on to me. As you know I've been away for a couple days now. What's been bugging me and all? Well from what I'm hearing from mom, that dad called and said he got a later from school saying I'm dropping out or can't continue and such. Meaning I failed a crap load of classes. I kind of knew this was coming but it sort of came at the wrong time. I remember thinking myself when it was almost the year 2006, that I was so amazed that I survived 2005. Lots of stuff has happen and it just seems to want to catch up with me.

A lot of the stuff that's happening I really do deserve because I put myself in that position. But the thing is. I wasn't even thinking anymore about it. I was actually not worrying about how much I sucked at school, I was still in it and I was going there to keep my mind fresh. To tell you the truth I that I'm going to school just to keep my mind fresh and to stay out of trouble. The thing is, I think that's what dad wants. Even with dad going crazy over me nearly dropping out. He always thinks I'm some type of trouble maker all the time. Just exactly what does he see? No matter how old you are to your parents, they're still going to treat you like alittle kid, because that's the first impression you left on them anyways.

I was talking to Catherine about this a while ago too. And it was like, am I going to school for my own reasns or really my dad's? I hate to see myself like this. Now feeling all this doubt and dark clouds hanging over me. It's like no one could help me or something. And I know Cathy was feeling kind of sad that I'm doubting myself, she hates it more then I do. It's so weird, how you really can affect the people around you so badly you know? I mean it's actually been a couple days since I last talked to her too. So we're kind of doing our own things, but she's really been supportive, and she spoke up, she wasn't just trying to make me feel better, she's really trying to get me to do right things for myself on my own.

There's a lot of stuff going on. I mean pretty much mom has been asking if I had talked to, "Miserable old dad." And I haven't. I'm going to have to talk to him sooner orlater, but right now I got other stuff but then again I need to get the car worked on again. I really do feel like the black sheep of the family. I mean my oldest brother Emil, being a track star, and was able to do well. Even with him being kind of a trouble maker everything turned out alright for him in the end. Even though March 31, 2006. Will mark the 10 years since his death. As for Brian, he was very good in school and was able to go off to UGA and got into Turner, and now works for Cartoon Network. It's not like it just happen like that for him. I can still remember I was a junior in highschool, he finally got the CN job, it took him over a year after he graduated. Man he had graduated from highschool and college before I even graduated from highschool @_@. Dang only 17 entering college sheesh.

I just hate when dad tries to compare me to other people. I wish he remember that everyone's different. Always comparing EJ and me. It's to where I can talk to EJ and say, "What are you some type of Rocket sciencist!?" And he would just shake his head yes and I'm like oh crap. Should have known. It's so weird having my brother Brian give me advice on stuff, I don't think that relationship is so easy. It's really sad because we really did n't get along so well back then. so when Emil was gone it was just us trying to talk but he was already so busy and I hardly got to see him that we couldn't relate hardly anymore. I mean we're getting along better then we ever had but I can't talk to him about my personal feelings on any ground.

Lately at the college. Everybody's been saying, "Rory Rory Rory!" I was talking to Huygen the other day, and he said he serious couldn't remember my name. Then Alex butted in and said I never said my name, that I just started talking and was this really nice guy to everybody, but no one knew my name. It was like I only showed that. It's just weird hearing my name all over the place. Everyone wants to talk to me now and and and its just nuts. Now I have all these really cool poeple to hang out with, it's really nice but it's still so sudden. It was kind like saying, I'm really this guy who keeps to myself. Was I really like that?

I seriously do not know what I'm doing anymore in school. I mean, I'm wasting money by failing all these classes basically aren't I? Why am I doing this to myself? The good thing I didn't fail all those classes at once. But college really hasn't been that great to me on education side. I really wanted to write or do something along that line, or pretty much what my brother's doing now. But when I wrote my first paper, I was literally crush, there was so much stuff that I needed that it made, what I like, into something I don't do much anymore. And that'write. Hasn't anyboy notice that. I don't write on my old place anymore so much, and same thing here with, remember all those stories I wrote and fixed. It'll almost be a year since that.

It's more of what do I do now? What do I want to do? I'm scaring myself sh*tless into thinking everything's just going down. Or maybe it's because I don't know anything at all. The unknown scares the crap out of me, because things just don't look good most of th time, when it's just normal stuff. I have to remind myself that there are people in worse situations then I am. but the thing is, when was the last time I've actually thought about myself, to do better for myself first then others second.