Oye what a nightmare, and I was telling myself too before thanksgiving that I needed to get this done like right about then. Kept putting off the aid stuff for school and it was just killing me. so much information to read. I still need a lot of stuff and all of it's pretty much due today. I hate that it really ended up being about money, I'm sure it'll get paid but you can never ever be too careful. I'm just so pissed at myself that I dropped the ball on this one. I mean got information I thought I need but I need so much more detailed information. It's killing me so badly.  Plus I was checking up on my bank account just recently and there was not as much money as I thought there was. I know I haven't seriously been spending hardly anything but I should have been even more tighter practically choking myself anytime money is in my hand.

I don't know how this month is going to turn out at all. No one's getting anything for Christmas from me so that really truly sucks. Not only that the past few years or ever since I lived with mom she's changed a lot. She seems to seperate herself from the world. So Christmas hasn't been in this house in quite some time. she also use to bake a lot of Rum cakes and give them out but she doesn't even do that anymore. My dad really loves those cakes I would driving all over Georgia giving those things out. So Christmas has been pretty dampened by her the for quite some time.

Of course dad got me something for christmas already. I wish he wouldn't do that lol it's nice I didn't even think he would do anything, usually gets me some clothes which is fine, but he's pretty much jobless so it's just messed up that he's still doing this. That's why I don't want to owe him to go into anymore debt, I owe him for the car and celland pretty much for school now so I haven't been feeling good on it. Yet you know that just shows how much he cares, I just hate to see him struggle you think with all the stuff he's done for the family, and to still love mom to the ends of the Earth with her divorcing him. Tons of bad things happening to good people. I don't want to be some asshole because things didn't work out but I don't to be the nice guy whos constantly being taken advantage of, which is already happening by the way. I still want to be that person but go somewhere and be able to pay my dad back you know.

That also reminds me my brother Brian's birthday is  next week. He won't be home since he now lives in california. From what dad was teling me, they seem pretty lonely out there. I mean you're coming from Georgia, I probably do well but I would still need a lot of support. Plus they probably don't go out very much yet. Dad also told me mom wasn't talking to him much ever sense we found out Jennifer is 9 weeks with a baby now.she's really getting on my nerves.  Sure I'm not paying any bills but it's like she's never really paid for anything of mine through my whole entire school career. She's so tight on money so it's just me who piad for all my college until this far, and dad helping out and he still has to pay all the loans for my brother as well.

Dad just telling me to bear with it and stay out of her way. dad was always the best at having the patience, and it's hard to get me that up tight about stuff too. so I'll do as my dad says and shut up and figure out something. That's why I don't even bother telling her anything about school, even if she says something I already know that she really doesn't care and I won't get any money whatsoever from her. But yeah sorry about the long entry. Let me get back to work on some of this stuff to see if I can get somewhere, but yeah I won't have the money by the time school starts. My fault.