makenzero @ MindSay

I Died a Sinner how Is It Possible To Be A Saint?

My Own Blackest Night

Tags:

love

fear

Well it's almost been a week since I last wrote, and there has been quite a mess within those past 5 days. You know we all have that emotional armor. We build the armor in certain ways so things won't get past our defenses. However of course there's always a new way to break the seal and twist metal, everything starts to go out of control. I'm really amazed on how things happen sometimes, I really was not sure if I was going to make it until very early this morning.

I was actually making a new friend the first day the whole ordeal happen, and was talking to a few others. I get this incredibly, rude post on my Facebook wall for my family and other friends could see. It is a bit more personal and it kind of came out of no where. It's about 3 in the morning and I was like what the heck are you talking about. I was a bit knocked down, so this "guy" starts explaining to me. Well not really explaining anything, just taking matters in his own hands. It really made me pissed off, like I don't think I've ever seen myself get that boiled with rage for what he was saying. I mean like me saying the Red Lantern quote, "With blood and rage of crimson red, Ripped from a corpse so freshly dead, Together with our hellish hate,We'll burn you all--That is your fate!" I'm really amazed at what people can say when they're not saying it to that person's face, what a coward. The thing is though that was in the middle of the night and not only did I know what was going on. People were not telling me anything until it was somewhat too late. So here I am feeling complete sh!t.

I felt like I messed up. I felt like I messed up a whole bunch. I always get this burning sensation of wanting to be know why. Why!? My heartache because I probably never get a real answer to that in my life. I of course seek answers still or at least understanding, if I cannot understand anything then there's no point in making it work. Cameron and especially Alex (Henshin) came through. Cameron actually knew the whole situation. Told me someone had a problem yet they never disclosed it to me and STILL haven't by the way. The guy that approached me was never suppose to do it because they all knew he would make it worse and he did, cause I certainly beat myself up more than enough over something that somebody not telling me something, how can I stop if you don't tell me!? Either other way as well, the person I've only met once and if they let something like that get to them then they truly are hopeless and things are not going to turn out good for them.

I hate being so trusting or holding out a hand, I sometimes should see it coming but I don't. Alex was right about this person, the only thing right I did was give all these people chances to redeem themselves and they ridiculed me and mae me look like a disgrace. That's the true reason why. To sit ere having doubt doubt almost every action I do when I'm talking to anyone especially female. Is this wrong or right, am I right or wrong, hwhat do I do, what should I think? The past few days have not been so much fun. Sleeping on and off all throughout few days.

That's the worse feling in the world for me at least. Being misnderstood. Not the whole oh no one understands me. I do certain things for a reason yet taken as something completely different. We're thinking too much, it's fine to give an opinion but more like make it an opinion than just make it right without some proof. I sweet talk, charm, drool, whatever you wanna say over girls. But that is part of my job I do work at a drive thru where I get tips. I get what pfft 7 to 10 dollars at a donut shop. DONUT SHOP. Most of the people are women, who always apperciate every compliment I give them, and ALL the time I've meant them, I don't kiss @$$. I always find something I like about every person. It's a great strength but a incredible weakness. So you mean to tell me you're getting upset that I actually compliment you or call you sweet names...

Are you telling me to call you a stupid b!tch, you're terrible at everything you do, why are you even bothering trying to make difference when you can't even control your own emotions!?! Is that what you want me to say are you serious!?! The world is in more trouble than I thought, I've been beaten if this is how people really think. I think the compassion of frienships even though a lot of them haven't really been that long, Alex did say a lot of it best and knew the most. Yet no one believed him, I didn't know what to say but I always give people chances no matter what I hear unless it's incredibly terrible. so I owe him an apology for not taking his advice to heart, so thanks buddy. I hope your classes went well today your first day back at Georgia Tech.

Compassion leads to other things. Willpower, a lot of this is very comic book reference but it makes complete sense to me. To have the power you have to experience everything. Fear, Rage, Death, Willpower, Love, Compassion, and Hope. Within those days I met a new friend and a even returning one. The new friend already has done such a wonderful job and I've never met someone who was so dead on exactly like me (laceystar7), and one to to apologize for everything she's done to me and still so kind of enough to trust in my bravery (Jadeyglasvegas). I can never give up on trusting no matter how many times I'm stabbed, there's too much grief in this world and I have to be the pillar of support to keep the world we live it a good reason to keep going. My job is to make everyone truthfully feel comfortable with themselves because that's the beauty of our inner self, once we see that the world is already a better place from that way of thinking. I laugh now because now I'm like what was I thinking. It's like the Blue Lantern quote, "In fearful day, in raging night,With strong hearts full, our souls ignite, When all seems lost in the War of Light, Look to the stars-- For hope burns bright!"

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