I don't know somethings bothering me. Took my math test today. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. It was crazy. I suck at math period @_@. Even the smartest people in that class were having trouble. That's kind of bad and lots of hope is lost in others who don't get it. So I just wrote down answer. I did try to work out the ones I thought would do something you know. This is insane. God I failed that class I feel so worthless. Got one more class of that. All my classes have ended. They're just now finals time.

I had two final exam English papers to write. Oh God I don't know how I did on those. I wasn't as nervous but time was certainly flying. The last one I hardly even finished it. Good thing I was looking back through it from time to time for editting.Oh God at least let me pass one of them so I can take the compass. I've started doing well at the end of that class but that might not save me. I need a new plan. I don't want to be Rory anymore. I don't want to be having trouble with everything and being stubborn.

How do you stop something like that? Oh I don't know. It's looking very bleek right now and that's not good. I'm trying to believe in myself. I wasn't super worried when I was writing the essay. It's usually after it. I tried to do what I could. I didn't even have time to use my dictionary. I hate when people say things are easy. Not everyone is on the same level. I know I'm smart in a way. But it takes a lot more time to teach me materail and it has to be in a fashion where I can get it.

I hate being responisible. Makes me feel selfish. I already know I'm a selfish person I don't need to know it more. I mean. The reason why I don't do a lot things, is I don't know what I'm doing. Why don't I ask? Oh I don't know, because I'm stubborn and techer's there are like. "You don't know this?" Well duh I'm in this class for a reason! UGH everything is just messed up. The teachers are good but then sometimes their attitudes gets the best of them.

I hate wishing. But I'm going to say it anyways. I wish I was a better person. Why couldn't God spare me all this and let me be hard working and believe in him more? Probably because he gave me a free will. I can choose whatever I want. he's basically got two paths setup. When I'm doing bad and when I'm doing good. They go up and down at times. So it's been most likely up right now. Oh boy. I wonder if God ever regrets giving us a free will. A lot of don't even believe in him. Then the ones that do don't take his advice. But all in the end we still blame him. We're human that's going to happen. It's our own free will. Damn it why do I have to be this way?

My head hurts. To understand everything but not understand anything at all. That's how I feel. I think I said this before. There is a reason yet there is no reason, however we try to reason with ourselves, yet we cannot reason anything at all. So reason is nonreasonable to the people who are reasoning with themselves. I know I've said that before. And it's changing all the time. Just glad I got this to down. Other news.

Still working on that job thing and the college decided to close the scheduling for classes next year early. god I wish I knew that. They need to put a sign up. then I have three classes for next semester but then they're not 12 credit hours. they're only 10, so I'm considered a part time student. but is there a difference in that. I rather have it that way. Because the other class I was going to add was smcack dab middle of the day. It sucks. Plus I want a job. It will force dad into giving me the car and telling step mom to go rent one as he gets his own paid off truck. It's so weird. The lady's got more money then my dad. yet she uses his truck that he worked really hard to pay for. And pretty much messed up the alarm thing to. And this is over a year ago. In April it'll be 2 years. This blows really bad. I need a car to get around and look for jobs.

I just hope EB Games will hire me. I'm practically working there for free. And if I don't get the job I basically humiliated myself in front of a lot of people.What should I do. I'm backed into a corner. And everyone I feel comfortable with in trying to help me with stuff. Are too busy and gone off to do stuff. UGH but my responsibility. My mom went to the Alicia Keyes concert tonight so that probably was a lot fun. But I noticed mom has been in the house all the time like me. she's looking depress quite badly. Christmas is going to be boring as usual. I can't remember the last christmas that was good. Actually a 3 to 4 years ago. I hate growing up. Can't you see I want to be a kid forever. Maybe I am. I'm certainly not growing up am I.=_=

(Christmas Wish list)

Pass at least two out of three college classes

Get the Job at EB

Get a car to get around

Straighten myself out before 2nd semester starts.

Study over break (God I don't want to do it but I need to.)

Get life in order.

Be educated lol =P

Able to stable life to play videogames again

Get outside

Meet some girls

get a girl fr (okay getting ahead of myself lol =P)

Find out what to do in life.

Now why isn't the rest of the entry blue now!?! This is weird. >.< I tried fixing it now it won't let me. And I'm not rewriting that hold thing. I tried pasting and coloring it but that didn't work. It's only coloring a few words. ::sighs and fall over::